in where misery dwells, therein lies eternal wisdom

if you’ve been reading up to this point, i’m sure we’re all expecting something huge after the long pause. i meant not just you, even i am expecting something out of myself. for better, i’m feeling rather numb and very unproductive these days. my mind’s going null and so is my soul..i’m totally taken by my surroundings, always conforming everything that’s going on around me. these people, these rules, these roads, these stages, these routines. i know i’m making something out of the routines i always do every day. but i feel like some football player at a game, trying to achieve what’s best to me, which is also what’s best to the team, trying not to commit any stupid mistakes. i’m being watched by god, a god that wears shorts, has a whistle sticking out of the mouth and keeps an eye on his watch. a false god, metaphorically. nothing huge, i figure. i’m a no brainer when it comes to making something huge. i doubt my own existence from time to time..we all do, don’t we? it’s just that we study logic that little by little we forget our deepest essence of existing..maybe we all deserve what we never ask for. if logic comes through your mind at this point, i’m sure that the most natural instinct that pops out of your mind is rejecting these words. in truth, we prefer to live outside of freedom, whereas we always believe we do live in a place we think we live in must be just the exact opposite.
on the other hand, don’t you think it’s so irritating that what people always do is claim something? i can understand how narcissism really works out well on humans..

the gathering of one hundred million assholes

if you feel that men don’t grow up just to be merely dishonest slaves, you might have a point. if you feel that men are the cleverest beings in the world, think again. if you feel winning, satisfied, proud, joyful, you should quit. if you accomplished every single thing you were told to do, all done well, the way a train never change its track, you must be a wicked man. if you often blabber about your lifestyle, taste, acquantainces, ideals that sounded the best, in the way everyone just wants it like, take a sip of poison, then choke yourself to death.
if something haunts you and you don’t know what it is……i’ll tell you what.
it’s your perfect self.

you are a two legged creature with no sense of gratitude.

ted.

when did you realize you don’t have any more problems in reaching up your bathroom sink? or reaching those hangers behind your door? and since when did your feet, they started touching the floor as you sit down on chairs? the days you always wanted to sit on the front seat of your car, but you’re always forced to sit at the back, in the middle, with your baby-sitter, wet handkerchief in her hand, to clean up your silly nose. always bringing the stupid toy you thought was alive, that you might have just forgotten about now. the days you always thought your mother smelled the best whenever she gets dressed, and you still believe in that right now, probably. the way you thought you were the lead-role actor, with the whole world as a studio,other kids companions, some other enemies, the grownups the villains. gifted and talented, you became the outstanding, smart, pioneering, goddamn it, respected kid in the neighborhood you lived in. but every single kid is becoming the outstanding, smart, pioneering, respected kid as time passes. you lost confidence. you grow weak-heartedly, lazily, powerless, just letting things pass the way they just would. that’s you today, buddy. that’s me.

over the headlights, the crook kept on crawling by

i’d like to ask you one thing,if you’d let me. no, you wouldn’t need to let me. if you really are interested, forced or not forced you’d read this anyway. but before that, i want to write about something that i don’t even know yet at the second i wrote that second word, because if i ask you right away, then this post wouldn’t be any longer than just about four damn lines. this writing would sound as if i really try too hard to get inspiration of course. and what i’d do, i’d keep writing things that isn’t really important just like the previous sentence,and when i think that would make it as a post, i mean a post that looks brilliant and long and all,then i’ll ask you what i wanted to ask you in the first place. this isn’t long enough. in the previous post, i wrote that i’m most likely to be an expert in global warming issues, but i think i’m gonna turn that off. i decided i’m gonna major in psychology..that studies about me, you and everyone we know. this isn’t long enough. and not brilliant enough. to lengthen this post, i guess i’m gonna copy-paste the whole wikipedia of the word psychology, but that wouldn’t sound too intelligent, and therefore this won’t be a blog post. i feel like the world claims for a blog that is long and brilliant. that is long time ago. now is the century of simplicity. the world likes it short and simple. to hell with that. i like it long and meaningless. therefore this is enough.
so i’m gonna ask you what i wanted to ask you. did you enjoy reading this shitsack of words?

regards, tiduran

of high expectations and low interdependencies

hello everyone! it’s been a while since my last post. it’s not that i didn’t have the time, it’s just that i don’t have anything to brag about. well, as you can see, up to today my posts have only been just about complaints to everything i personally thought stinked. in other words, my ego. if you’ve been reading the things i wrote about last couple days, i’m sure you can’t disagree.
so soon the third semester commences. one year passed very quickly..i’m already in the verge of my teen age.so to speak, i still have no idea what i’m to become in the future, and i’m not wondering either. i guess i’ll just face everything face forward and do what i have to do. in this case, i’m most likely to be an expert in global warming issues. right, don’t laugh and curse at me out there, buddies. still a lot of absurdity going around my world though. everything is indistinct. i still wonder why there are so many people that are smart in academic issues, but they just seem to be so ignorant about things going on around them. here comes my ego. i’d rather have ugly marks in my academic life than to be ignorant about things going on around me. that might sound like an excuse for my bad marks. but i mean it..smart academic people sometimes are weird. not every goddam smart academic people is stupid though. sometimes it’s scary to be surrounded by all smart people. i don’t exactly know what i mean by that, but i really mean it. it grows some kind of suspicion of dirty thoughts evolving around you. which makes it you’re the one being suspicious. late in the days i got a helluva lot suspicion to everyone around me about everything. i thought everyone had only dirty thoughts about me..that might be that i’m afraid they would know what i really am. it’s as if these people are plotting something really bad for me. but sometimes-i mean most of the time it’s something very unnecessary. i mean my wicked suspicions. but i do like a lot of people, of course. but i have very,very few people i can respect, not just like. i’m sick of just liking people, i wish i could meet somebody i could damn respect.
that’s back in the old days. i think-little by little-i’m becoming somebody everyone in this grownup world would really want me to be. it doesn’t feel too bad, this kind of feeling.
i hope this blog would continue to be worked on until God knows for how long.

regards, tiduran

along this road goes no one, this autumn eve

i like to imagine a place where people live with no sympathy, no sense of politeness that needed to be shown, but of course there still was a lot of affection. i mean the people they just don’t show it. sometimes i’m tired with things everyone has to say to keep on living, sometimes it just is no good for anything. if everyone understand that, i’m sure the world would be a helluva silent place because the majority of conversations that occur in everyone’s everyday life is practically the same. i mean if you ask ‘how are you doing’ the answer is 80 percent ‘fine’, and if it is not fine, people’d still say they are fine. as the conversation progresses, the person who lied would start talking about how unfine they really are. i imagine a place where there’s no need in saying ‘fine’ when you’re just not fine. big deal. and if everyone understand that, there’d be no hard feelings towards each other. anyway it’s not important but at times things like that make me feel depressed and all. if everyone understand that, there’d be no hard feelings towards each other. i think it’s sort of like living with just mute and deaf people in heaven. but i still do say things that aren’t too important though. you had to do that to keep on living. sticking emotions all around the place and all. talking about emotions, lately i read something about poets and how they like to stick emotions in things that have no emotions. most poets like to personify nature, like skies and all. pretty corny sometimes. it’s true that nature had something to do with human’s feelings though. but some poets, they really are corny, it’s as if they tried too hard to gain inspiration and thinks too hard to make a poetry. i’m sure if there is a poetry that sounds corny, the poet is just trying too hard. it’s as if you had to be sticking emotions everywhere and being sensitive as hell and all to make you one neat complete human, else you’d be somewhat inhuman. you had to form yourself the way those phonies would like you to be, and they like it the lame way. i guess that can’t be helped. you had to go with it if you wanna keep on living. but it’s not just because it’s common then it’s the right way. i’d just stay in the middle..that thing too depresses me to hell. ‘teddy’ was right, but he took it the extreme way.
to some people starting a conversation could be hard, and then they start looking for topics just for the hell of it. i wish everyone wouldn’t need to keep looking for something to talk about, especially if it isn’t anything worth saying. i just wish, that’s all. no further trials. that would make me a corny poet if i make any further trials. no further complaints.

regards, tiduran

with tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept

hello there again. i will try not to make this post sound too corny. nothing in this world is eternal. if there’s one thing that is eternal, it’s time. i mean time itself is the one that made everything shatter. a physicist named Stephen Hawking once stated ‘the universe did not begin “in” time, rather time itself came into being with the universe.’ he was not the first to state this idea. a very similar idea is once proposed by a great early theologian named Saint Augustine. here some of us must have thought that time has not only existed since some time, but has always always been there.
most of beliefs and religions believed that humans don’t only live once (in this case, life on planet Earth, of course) but had lived in a previous life and will live in another life after death. some also believe that we’d all end up in heaven or hell, and that all of humans had once made a promise that they will all worship in the same God before life was given to them. but once these humans arrive in this world, they were made to forget about what happened in their previous life (if you do believe), including the promise, and what are they supposed to do. many,if not, most of us don’t even know the reason we live for, knowing we’d end up dying and then start another life. i don’t have the answer either. and i think neither do most of us. and that is just why i wouldn’t want to die. so i guess the answer to ‘why bother living if we end up dying’ is ‘to look for the reason why is there life if death is unavoidable’. and the fact that God made us forget what had actually happened before our, i mean, this life we’re living in begin, must be something necessary. if we do live in many previous lifes before, wouldn’t it be tiring to have to remember everything that didn’t even have any length of time, now that time is endless?

regards,

tiduran

embezzling exasperations

think for a while.
think about the best walks you ever took.
the most lovely handwriting you ever saw.
the best friends you had.
the most beautiful people you ever met.
the most frightened you were.
the prettiest views you ever witnessed.
the things nobody will ever know about you.
the way you have changed.
the times you regret.

time traveling, tennis and tea

hello there, right off to the topic. if there’s one thing i hate, it’s formality. how unstable of me, but i’m dead serious about it. the topic on this post is not about formality, i know, but it’s nice to use that for starting something. of course we all do that, don’t we? i mean,as friendly strangers? remember about that? but somehow it’s also something unnecessary to use formality now that we don’t even know each other. it’s all about friendliness.
what i think, most of us is already alienated in this modern world that made us stupid for not realizing who the hell we are. or at least for not even thinking about it. it’s just so depressing to know that everyone should be more clever than they are now. tons of people is only busy about quantity, when it’s all just about numbers. you probably already read ‘the little prince’ by now. you got me there, i just picked a thought from the book. and frankly speaking, i hate to see people coming by and talk about their bad sense of humor..even worse they talk about it in front of your very face. what i mean bad sense of humor is people that try too hard to have one good sense of humor that they actually wrecked their head along with it. in this case of course i’m also one of them..the difference is just that i’m the one that raised voice about their secrets.
maybe these people are right too, referring to the quote ‘remember you’re unique, just like everyone else’. and if there’s two things i hate, they’re formality and artificial carelessness. goddamn i hate articial carelessnesses. you probably know what i mean because a lot of people often do that in these days. you know, pretending you don’t know about things so that it would make you one little cool dude that doesn’t care about things and all.
and then next people try to be different in the exact same way. mostly these people don’t simultaneously try to be different in the exact same time, but it’s kind of like an estafet race. pass the baton and then change..copy and being copied. unoriginality. lack of authenticity. of course, i do lack some, but i have to say a lot of people really lack all of it.
oh yeah, don’t go and try as if you’ve never read this, especially if you are one helluva stinking copycat guy. makes wanna suicide, you know?

regards, tiduran

there are fruit flies on the toothbrush and teeth in the sink,pick and chews

Hello,so this is my 2nd entry in the same day as the 1st. This is a form of momentary possesivity, or quite possibly an euphoria where i get this excitement after i just made a blog and i keep opening it from time to time. Even though i know there won’t be much of a change. Or even no change at all. This is not good either. I mean possesivity. In a smaller dose, it might be good..but more than smaller, it’s something i think is bad. This is the reason why, for some reason, a couple is oftenly blinded, especially when they just become one. This is also euphoria as you might see..yes, it’s logical to be euphoric when two became a couple, which is the depressing part. It’s depressing to have to look at a couple at their best of times, especially knowing they’re not coming to be serious about it. But they just don’t want to think about what’s gonna happen next. Again, not wanting to know about what’s going to happen next is good in some way, for example a guy does his best and calls for the best expectations, but he leaves it all either it ends up good or bad. But for this case, i mean couples, they just don’t want to think about the future. Sorry, this is just a thought. I know very well my mind’s gonna change again in the next couple of hours. Same thing as this could be the last post i’ll ever make on wordpress. I’m not saying relationship is bad, but it sure is depressing. And depression is good, it’s not healthy to stay undepressed at all for the life time. Of course in the bigger dose it could be something bad. You know. Some form of randomness. But everything’s involved. And sometimes it’s better to know nothing at all than knowing something, now that it’s imposibble to know everything. If we know everything, than there’s no problem in anything. It’s like being pessismistic, while at it, you’re still optimistic. Being optimistic, or too optimistic, in my opinion isn’t something good. Everyone needs a detachment every time. But it’s not that i mean we got to be always pessimistic. It’s better to stay in the middle. You know. Being optimistic can make depression out of it, while being in the middle, then it’s either a ‘it’s only natural’ or a ‘thank god’. I’m sure most of us have thought about that at least a bit. I think. I hope so.

regards, tiduran

strange friends and friendly strangers

“Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!”

The sentence above is the first words that was written on my wordpress. Surprisingly the first words i thought i was gonna make is not even the ones i myself made. It’s just so nice to be starting a blog and being given an explanation that isn’t even any necessary by any means, but i happen to just consider it something nice. You know. It’s nice being treated nice. But everybody takes a beating some time and it’s not nice to be treated nice when it’s something unnecessary. Well, a lot of unnecessary things are necessary, in a way. It’s like going in horrible circles with our eyes closed and not knowing what it really was. It’s necessary until someone thought of it is such and then unnecessarity starts to disappear . You know. Ambiguity. Everyone has experienced that. Maybe. I hope so. I may be just a stranger for you, in this case, a friendly one, but it’s probably better if we don’t become friends,not that i’m saying then you’ll consider me one of your strange friends though. Not that I am, but i’d like it better if i’ll just be a friendly stranger. You know, just like the nice wordpress that treated me well. And i guess now that i’m now officially a stranger then it’s not nice to introduce myself (it’s not that i’m trying to reach this point after writing all of the above).
Having dead clocks in a tiny room could be interesting i think. Just like living in a bubble world could be wonderful.
Momentary,though.

regards,tiduran